Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
