if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Randomize
