my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
