I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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