he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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