every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
