The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
