when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
