You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
