what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
