I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
