What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
