there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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