I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
