I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
