dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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