Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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