I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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