the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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