if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
