I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
