okay pat passed out under dana's car
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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