There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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