my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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