It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
