My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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