I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
