i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
