how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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