This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
