I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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