This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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