life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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