it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
