I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
