she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We have so much sex to catch up on
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
