my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
