you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
