Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
