so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
