Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
