NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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