I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
