Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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