My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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