eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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