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• (704): View more from North Carolina

  When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell

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• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.

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• (631): View more from New York

  so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.

  (631): View more from New York

  what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK

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• (585): View more from New York

  He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.

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• (858): View more from California

  God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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• (406): View more from Montana

  I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people

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• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?

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• (425): View more from Washington

  Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat

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• (212): View more from New York

  maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"

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• (225): View more from Louisiana

  Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.

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• (708): View more from Illinois

  Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.

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• (606): View more from Kentucky

  Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword

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• (802): View more from Vermont

  Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect

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