and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
