you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
