I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Randomize
