I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
