Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
