Sponge bath it is.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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