He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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