I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
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every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
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It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize