Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
