What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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