Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
