Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
