do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Fuck appropriateness.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
