i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
