so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
