I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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