My room smells like vodka and shame
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
