Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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