I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
